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People Pleasing—The Unlikely Saboteur

By Anonymous

This blog post was inspired by my daily struggle with people-pleasing. My attempts to make everyone in my life happy with me have in the past led to my own disappointment. I used to say “I’m jumping through all these hoops to make them happy, why can’t they do the same for me?”. I didn’t understand why I had these inclinations, and trying to please others just felt natural to me. Why didn’t I get the same effort in return? Little did I know, this tendency to go out of my way for others was a very frequent form of self-sabotage, one that I’ve learned to rein in over time. People-pleasing has been a harmful reaction-state in my life, but through understanding myself and the roots of people-pleasing I’ve learned to control my impulsive urges and set my boundaries (Shirzad Chamine, 2016, pp. 1–220).

Now, what is people-pleasing? People-pleasing consists of fawning, praising, and going out of your way to gain the favor of other people. There’s often the question of, “If people-pleasing makes others like you, why should an individual stop?” or sometimes even, “Those are just the traits of a very kind person!”. While there are a few benefits to this tendency, such as praise for being selfless and being considered a nice person, these benefits come with far more drawbacks.

The truth is, while there are social benefits to people-pleasing, it is a maladaptive behavior. This means that people-pleasing is a learned form of self-preservation which has negative drawbacks, people-pleasers tend to have extreme difficulty with setting boundaries and advocating for their own needs, resulting in low self-esteem and emotional exhaustion. This leads to these individuals being taken advantage of, agreeing to things that they don't want to do, experiencing burnout, or feeling unsatisfied in their relationships. So while this tendency is “beneficial” for others, these behaviors are sabotaging the pleaser’s everyday life (Are You a People-Pleaser?, 2023).

If you’re half-way through reading this and are now realizing that you’ve been exhibiting the traits of the people-pleaser, no need to panic! This next part is for you! The first step to controlling your people-pleasing reaction is to understand what it’s rooted from. individuals with people-pleasing tendencies often grew up seeking constant approval from their caregivers. If they didn’t have their guardian’s approval they were either punished, rejected, or ignored. Family dynamics can determine the “survival behaviors” or “defense mechanisms” that children adopt. Children who adopt the people-pleasing defense mechanism often act as the family “peacekeeper” and feel a sense of pressure to maintain their home life (Shirzad Chamine, 2016, pp. 1–220). They grow so used to going out of their way to seek praise from their caregivers, receiving positive reinforcement or encouragement to repeat this action indefinitely that people-pleasing becomes instinctual. As people-pleasing has gotten these individual’s approval and praise from their caregivers, it’s often utilized in other social situations as well. The individuals carry these behaviors over into their friendships and romantic relationships, often causing harm to themselves in the process. (McCormack, 2023). Are there moments in your childhood where you remember trying to regulate your caregiver’s feelings or gain their approval? Did you put your sibling’s or friend’s needs before your own throughout your childhood? These are some questions to reflect on.

Once you’re aware of the root cause of your people-pleasing, the next step is to catch yourself having these thoughts in your everyday life. ‘It’s selfish for me to say no,’ ‘As long as they’re happy,’ ‘If I don’t help them, who will?’ It’s important to be able to identify what you’re feeling. Are these truly your thoughts? Or is this your instinctive Pleaser speaking for you? Once you’re able to identify your true thoughts versus your instinctive ones, you can take a step back and reassess before making a decision. ‘Am I going to this event because I want to? Or is it because my friend wants me to even while they know I have an exam in the morning?’ Breaking down the different factors at play can help you figure out the best choice for yourself and help you avoid self-sabotaging behavior (Shirzad Chamine, 2016, pp. 1–220).

Challenging these instinctive thoughts can often leave an individual vulnerable. It’s during this time that it’s important to prioritize yourself and set proper boundaries. When you’ve determined how you truly feel, advocate for yourself and your choices. Say no when you don’t want to do something, take time to care for your needs, and most of all differentiate your internal-pleaser’s thoughts from your own (Keane, 2020).

People-pleasing is a survival skill developed from childhood and anyone trying to overcome it will surely experience setbacks and pushback as they try to have compassion for themselves and set their boundaries (Shirzad Chamine, 2016, pp. 1–220). If you’re someone hoping to begin this journey or someone along the way, hello there fellow venturer! The road to recovery is traversed and never ending, but on the other side is a more secure version of yourself!

Safe travels!

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Works Cited:

Are You a People-Pleaser? (2023, September 26). Cleveland Clinic.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser

Keane, M. (2020, September 22). How to say “no” and stop being a people pleaser.

Npr.org. https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-

pleaser-who-always-says-yes

McCormack. (2023, March 20). People-pleasing: Understanding the roots and

consequences. Www.counselling-Directory.org.uk; Counselling Directory.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/people-pleasing-understanding-

the-roots-and-consequences

Shirzad Chamine. (2016). Positive intelligence : why only 20% of teams and individuals

achieve their true potential and how you can achieve yours (1st ed., pp. 1–220).

Greenleaf Book Group Press.